It has been quite a week my friends. We made it through the hectic schedule of Madrigal rehearsals and dinners, where for the first time, the Hubs and I worked in the kitchen! Wish I’d known how much fun that was, I would have done it much sooner! I have a raging case of industrial kitchen envy though! Oh the work space! The organization! The large stoves/ovens! Ha-ha!
The girl was a perfect jester. Cute as a button too! All of the kids gave a wonderful performance, in spite of being tired and having had their rehearsal scheduled interrupted and shuffled around. I was very proud of them.
Of course, we’re getting ready for Christmas. Sort of. I’m finding it really difficult to try and pull it all together really. We’ve not yet put up the tree or hung a single stocking. My baking and candy making is likely not going to happen, and shopping…well, I’m doing my best and hoping to have it done. Christmas cards? I can’t even begin. How do I start this year’s Christmas newsletter? There will be no Christmas cards my friends. Receiving cards, well I couldn’t even open them after the first few; each one, with the best of intentions, mentioning the tornado. It’s just too emotional some days. I keep searching for my inner Mame but I think she’s gone into hiding and some days I wish I could join her.
We’ve got snow on the ground and it’s very likely that we will have a White Christmas, but this girl has never been a fan of the white stuff or the cold. This year my distaste for it goes deeper as I drive past the snow covered piles of debris in our town. People are shoveling off their foundations and scrambling to tarp over things so that the snow does not further damage what little they have left. I’m ANGRY with the snow and powerless to do anything about it. Frustrating.
Overall I suffer a general malaise. Some days it is a struggle to move at all, but I force myself to do it. Some days inertia wins and I just promise myself I will do better tomorrow. As I’m out and about, I encounter others who are feeling these very same things. I am not alone. I’m also not alone in feeling guilty for feeling these feelings. I mean, what did I lose in the storm? Nothing! So why should I feel sad, mad, frustrated or tired?
Here’s why: the tornado went THROUGH my hometown. The tornado destroyed 1/3 of the homes in my hometown. The tornado took things from people I love. The tornado has changed commerce in my hometown, affecting my favorite small businesses. The tornado took my sense of security. The tornado has caused people to move to other towns, at least temporarily, which means I don’t get to see their familiar faces at the grocery store or the local diner. The tornado changed everything in my hometown. The tornado broke my heart, and bruised my spirit. While I didn’t have property damage, I have seen the loss of normalcy, the loss of routine, and a loss of security and anyone who lived through it can say the same. We ALL suffered some level of loss.
Sure we will regroup and we will rise up and be better than ever, but at times that ideal, seems too much and far too far away and my spirit grows tired and weary just thinking about it. Emotionally I am wiped out.
Add to that the usual stress of the holiday season, layer on all of the school activities we had to reschedule and fit into the last 2 weeks and it’s no wonder we’re all a little grumpy and inert. I am part bear as it is. I just want to go into the den and hide away until spring. Now I want to burrow in and maybe not come out for a couple of years.
I suppose in some sense, we are experiencing our own form of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder with a dose of survivor’s guilt. We are grateful that everyone is OK, that we still have our home, but some days I feel badly that we can’t do more for those who have suffered personal loss. We’ve all got good days and bad days and I think we’re going to have to acknowledge that and deal with each as they come. Up until now though, I those of us without personal property loss, felt we couldn’t talk about our feelings, good or bad. I now see that we must talk about it, if for no other reason than to just know that we are not the only ones feeling these feelings. That this is a normal way to feel and we need not feel guilty on top of it all.
All is not as bleak as it may sound around Momma T’s Table though. Exactly 4 weeks to the day after the tornado, on Family Funday Sunday no less, a blessing entered our lives. We welcomed our third grandchild, Walter Lawrence, into our crazy, upturned lives. I tell you this, there is nothing so wonderfully healing as holding a brand new life in your arms. Everything melts away and there is only pure love. He and his twin brother and sister are sufficient gifts for me. ❤
I think it will come as no surprise to anyone who really knows me that the one holiday preparation that I am making the effort for is the food. Being in the kitchen and preparing food for the people I love is almost as soothing and healing as snuggling my grandbabies. The meals are planned and they are one of the few things I am looking forward to in the coming weeks. It’s probably dysfunctional to some point, my fixation with food, but I find comfort in the preparation and the feeding and the eating, and I make no apologies.
Over all, I will be happy to close out this year (with lots of fabulous food of course) and move forward. It’s going to be a long couple of years before things are right again I think. A lot will happen in those years, positive and negative, but right now, I focus on the day to day, the future can take care of itself. The daily rituals will become easier and daily we will come around the table and be thankful.
So, in the name of rituals and all things normal, here’s what’s on Momma T’s Table this week:
Sunday – Breakfast at Cummin’s Family Restaurant
Saturday – muffins and fruit
Sunday – Leftover buffet
Monday – Tomato Soup with Gnocci
Tuesday – Ravioli
Wednesday – leftovers
Thursday – Apple Chicken Salad with Honey Mustard Dressing
Friday – Baked Potatoes
Saturday – Stuffed sub sandwiches and fruit salad
Sunday – Home made pizzas before going to the hospital to meet Walter!
Monday – Spinach and Black Bean Burritos
Tuesday – Mom, could you make that thing with the tortellini and the cheese and the balsamic vinegar?
Wednesday – Roasted Chicken with Tomatoes and Olives
Thursday – The Boy’s meal: Chicken with Spinach Pest and Pasta
Friday – Ham, Green Beans and Potatoes (going to get this one done this time!)
Saturday – Meatball Sub Casserole and salad
There you have it! I hope you have wonderful things at your table too and an extra helping of joy.