There is nothing like the stark reality that stares back at you from the full-length mirror of a fitting room to make you hate everything about yourself. Nothing like it to bring you crashing back to reality, to crush your positive self image and shatter your hopes and dreams. Nothing.
You see, the weight loss is coming along quite nicely. Clothes are fitting better, baggy in fact. Some things that didn’t fit before, now fit beautifully. I look at my arms and my legs and I SEE the difference in them…they look so small. In fact, when I look down at myself I see all of these positive changes and from my viewpoint I look GOOD. I should point out that I have but 2 mirrors in my house and neither reflects back the entire “package”. Even the scale was showing shrinking numbers!
So, with all of this shrinkage I found myself needing a new pair of jeans as the old ones were sagging badly in the backside and not showing off my “assets” properly, so it was off to the Goodwill as I have more weight to lose and didn’t want to sped a lot on intermediary jeans! Besides, I saw some cute shorts there I wanted to pick up anyway. It was a venture that started innocently enough.
There I am, browsing through the jeans…well looking at the bottoms of them to find the shortest ones anyway. I’m looking in the size 5/6 area and thinking they look SO much smaller than the 8’s I was wearing and this, my dear readers, is where I began to slide down the slippery slope of the numbers game, for right there next to the 5’s and 6’s were the 4’s. THEY didn’t look much smaller than the 5’s or 6’s. There certainly didn’t seem to be the HUGE difference in the size that I was seeing between the 8’s and the 6’s (Are you following me?) So, maybe a size 4 would fit me. I’ve lost a lot and my body HAS gone through some changes so…SO…I grab a pair of short 4’s and grab a pair of 6’s “just in case” and head to *cue the dramatic music* THE CHANGING ROOM! That’s a key word, “changing”.
I decide, with great albeit misguided confidence, to try on the 4’s first. I know…I know… I begin to put left leg in. First the foot (so far so good), then the calf *giddy giggles* then, I pull it up to the thigh (hmm…a little snug. Must be the cut). Yeah RIGHT! As I struggle to get by balance and attempt to put the next leg in (yes, I went further)…I see it. There’s some ridiculous old woman in my dressing room trying to squeeze herself into a pair of jeans that are OBVIOUSLY 2 sizes too small for her!!!! And that woman was me. *shudder* Thank goodness it wasn’t one of those rooms with the trio of “shaming glasses.”
There it was, all of the lumps and…well I’ll spare you the details. I think we’ve all been there anyway. “It’s the miserable lighting in those little rooms.” we tell ourselves. “It’s the stark lighting.” “It’s the mirrors, they trick you into thinking your look better or worse than you actually look.” The fact of the matter is, I got caught up in a numbers game. I let a little number in a pair of jeans try to define my self image. For Pete’s sake! I was going DOWN a size and THAT should have been enough. That IS enough. That and the fact that I feel better, and I LOOK fine too.
I may never be a size 4 again and even if I were, I’m pretty sure it would not “look” the same as it did the last time I was a size 4. I’m OK with that. I will continue to shop only in my size range and not body-shame myself. That and I’m also never going look at myself in a dressing room mirror until I’m fully dressed…
For now, I celebrate my success:
Down 12.8 lbs overall! I could see the 120’s next week, but that’s another numbers game and I’m not going to get caught up in that. At least I’m going to try not to. I’m feeling good and darn-it, I think I’m cute! It’s easy to get caught up in our imperfections. It’s easy to focus on the sagging skin or the fatty dimples in our tushies. We have to be quick to turn that around and look at our positive traits, especially the ones that we can’t see in a mirror like our personality or our ability to make our friends and family laugh. We truly are so much more than what is reflected at us in the shaming glass. 🙂
We are also more than what we eat and since this week is almost over and my menus have fallen victim to poor shopping, poor planning and the like, I will end this post here and promise to do better next week.
Have a happy weekend and love yourselves. You deserve it.