MIA

Look what I found on Pinterest! One might draw the conclusion that someone thinks I’m Missing.

Well, maybe that someone has a point. It has been a while since I stopped by the table, hasn’t it? I don’t really know what to say. I’ve been pretty busy with all sorts of things. I’m starting my own home business, which I will blog about later, but it’s not the real reason I’ve been AWOL.

I should be able to do it all, right? Well, at least I feel I should be able to do it all. The reality, I’m beginning to see, is that I can’t do diddly “stuff” anymore. I can’t focus, I can’t get motivated, I can’t find my energy. Worst of all I can’t shut off the negativity. I’ve lost the shut off valve and it’s flooding my every thought.

I’ve had plenty of thoughts about what I should post here, but I’ve knocked each idea down because they just aren’t “upbeat” enough. (Hell, I may not even post this. It’s already too depressing.) That’s who Momma T is, isn’t she? The upbeat, cheer leader, whose life is in perfect order? Surprise! that’s not me…not always…not ever.

Fact is, my brain tells me that if I’m not a cheerleader, if I’m not funny, if I’m not fun, if I’m not energetic, then I’m not a person people will like and I need to be liked, don’t I? This is not coming from any outside source, mind you. I’m not playing back some broken record of people who have belittled me. This is ME telling me that I have no worth. MY brain then goes on to replay the tapes of all the mistakes I’ve ever made. The times I’ve fallen short. Lately it keeps showing me all the mistakes I’ve made as a mom. I long to go back and fix those short-comings, but I just can’t.

I know that those of you who know the “extrovert” Momma will probably be questioning the validity of my words here, but might I point out that very often, it is the one who is out there pushing the “happy picture” who might be doubting and loathing themselves inside? Think about that.

The reason I have yet to put a post like this one out there is that I don’t want a flood of people “reaching out” to me. Is that stupid? I just don’t want to have to DEAL WITH the attention that this battle I’m having with my thoughts might bring from people who genuinely (and in-genuinely) care about me . And let me say right here, LOUDLY AND CLEARLY, I have no thoughts of self harm in the way that I would do something drastic and bring an end to my life. While my thoughts continue to beat me down (and that in and of itself is harmful to self), I know that I have worth and I know that I am loved and I know that my friends will not judge me by my past mistakes, whatever they may be and I know what that would do to the people I care about and love.I know that in my head and in my heart and I see it in the way all of you love me each and every day. I see it in the post of the Missing Poster on my Pinterest wall. ❤

I just don’t want things to “get weird”. Who am I kidding? It’s going to “get weird”. People just aren’t sure how to react when someone they see as active and social get’s down, sad, melancholy. People don’t like to see that side of you. (Am I really going to push the publish button?) People don’t know what they should say or how they should treat you after you “confess” these feelings and thoughts. The kid gloves come out and people start dancing around the elephant in the room…if I may be so trite.

The reason I feel I NEED to put this out there is to let you know I am still here and that I am OK, that I will post again. (God, I LOVE this little space of the internet where I can say what I want. I just wish I could give myself the permission to do really post WHATEVER I want!) I also know I’m not the only one who has periods of self-doubt. I’m not the only one who tells herself she’s not good enough. I just wish, Momma T had the answer to dealing with it.

I’ve tried pushing myself forward, forcing myself to do what I don’t really want to do. Sometimes that works…most of the time it doesn’t. I’ve tried just resting, napping a few days away, but responsibilities, true or feigned usually force me to leave the couch and do what I perceive needs done. All I know is I’ve walked out of this place before and I’ll do it again, but I need you to be patient with me.

Thank you for missing my posts. I have a slew of things I want to share with you, and I will…soon. If I have permission I even have another Caitlin Oatmeal recipe to share with you! I want to share with you some of the fun things I’m creating…yes, I’m creating! I’ve got a lot ahead of me and I just need to take some time and create an environment that allows for the things I enjoy. The things that will allow me to live the life I wish to carve out for myself. The trick will be to figure out how to keep the other “stuff” from sabotaging my plans.

Well, I ripped that bandaid off now, didn’t I? Now to push that button…